Book Summary: Difficult Conversations – How to Discuss What Matters Most – By Douglas Stone. Difficult conversations are difficult because there are feelings involved. People are usually reluctant to open a difficult conversation out of fear of the consequences. With the example of the neighbor’s barking dog, maybe it’s hard for you to confront the neighbor about it because you consider yourself a really friendly and relaxed person. All-or-nothing thinking can make people more vulnerable to identity crises--as either lovable or worthless, good or evil. When the parties cannot find a mutually acceptable solution, each must decide whether to accept a lesser solution, or to accept the consequences of failing to agree and walking away. Interpersonal communication. Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton, Sheila Heen (Harvard Negotiation Project, Penguin Books, 2000, 250 pp.) They may even come at an unexpected moment like when you accidentally back into someone in a parking lot. And finally, they will give you a framework so that you can. This book explores what makes some conversations difficult, why people avoid having difficult conversations, and why people often manage difficult conversations poorly. Remain open-minded about you own interpretation of their intent. Office of In most difficult conversations, there are different perceptions of the same reality. Personally, it has helped me to regulate the approach to these situations and give a mental structure to help in the process. A High-Level Summary of the Book by Stone, Patton and Heen. We also use third-party cookies that help us analyze and understand how you use this website. Hard conversations consist of feelings, blame, and identity. They provide a step-by-step approach We hate when we feel like our character is being challenged. It’s called Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss what Matters Most. So, like you require the book swiftly, you can straight get … Gather information and seek missing information. And finally, they will give you a framework so that you can make sure these conversations stay on topic and avoid any hurt feelings in the process. The first mistakes that people make as they consider what happened is that they assume they are looking at a factual matter, and they assume that their view of the matter is right. The authors offer techniques for having more effective, fruitful discussions. illness. The contribution map may show that there are better ways to address a situation than by discussion. These Four Steps Will Help When You’re Stuck--How do some people make major changes happen. The "What happened?" January 9, 2012 Three. When we hold back from passing judgment, there’s no need for getting defensive. Instead, just focus on what their actions say. Unexpressed feelings can leak back into conversation, and can preoccupy people so that they are unable to be good listeners. Often we shy away from these conversations because they have unexpected outcomes. As Harvard Law School lecturers Stone and Heen (co-authors: Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most, 1999) note early on, there have been countless books on the management side of the feedback equation: how to be a good boss and effective leader, delivering feedback to employees that hits every nail on the head. This website uses cookies to improve your experience while you navigate through the website. Managing the internal identity conversation requires learning which issues are most important to one's identity, and learning how to adapt one's identity in healthy ways. Often simply raising and clarifying an issue is enough to resolve the difficulty. The book is based on 15 years of research at the Harvard Negotiation Project. Another mistake is to assume that once we explain that our intentions were benign, the other party has no reason to feel hurt. Do not use hints or leading questions. Introducing "desire paths," and the importance of designing change to follow them whenever possible. The key to having effective, productive conversations is to recognize the presence of these deeper conversations, avoid the common errors, and turn difficult conversations into learning conversations. Find many great new & used options and get the best deals for Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most at the best online prices at eBay! II. *FREE* shipping on qualifying offers. Try to invent new options for dealing with the problem, and consider what principles could guide a fair solution. You might worry that complaining about their dog will make you seem unfriendly or even aggressive, threatening the self-image you have. Rather, it should be told as an impartial observer. Next, focus on the other person with curiosity about how they feel. Often the other party in a difficult discussion remains focused on blaming and arguing about who is right. However small adjustments in our assumptions and in the way we engage can greatly improve the chances of success. Following READ THESE FIRST: Taking the Stress out of Stressful Conversations. c/o the Conflict Information Consortium Major topic areas include: An look at to the fundamental building blocks of the peace and conflict field covering both “tractable” and intractable conflict. Unfortunately, not everyone has read this book! A Difficult Conversation Is Anything You Find It Hard to Talk About Sexuality, race, gender, politics, and religion come quickly to mind as difficult topics to discuss, and for many of us they are. A difficult situation is any … This can make you confused when someone challenges your character. The 10th-anniversary edition of the New York Times business bestseller-now updated with "Answers to Ten Questions People Ask" We attempt or avoid difficult conversations every day-whether dealing with an underperforming employee, disagreeing with a spouse, or negotiating with a client. First, each person must recognize that her views and feelings are no less (and no more) legitimate and important than anyone else's, and she is entitled to express herself. Guidelines for Using Beyond Intractability resources. But discom-fort and awkwardness are not limited to topics on the editorial page. Out of these, the cookies that are categorized as necessary are stored on your browser as they are essential for the working of basic functionalities of the website. Inquire about Affordable Reprint/Republication Rights. They are about conflicting perceptions, interpretations, and values.” ― Douglas Stone, Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most Join Us in calling for a dramatic expansion of efforts to limit the destructiveness of intractable conflict. With Bruce Patton and Sheila Heen. 2. Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most. Difficult Conversations—How to Discuss What Matter’s Most. Some apparent conflicts between people turn out to be mainly conflict within one person--an identity crisis, for instance. This book will help you professionally and personally by helping you communicate with others better and understand yourself too. The solution is for the parties to identify and understand their feelings, negotiate them, and share them clearly. Difficult Conversations shows you a way out of this dilemma; it teaches you how to handle even the toughest conversations more effectively and with less anxiety. In, the authors and communication experts Douglas Stone and Bruce Patton offer real-life examples and tips for how you can get through them. Office of Human Resources The Ohio State University 1590 N. High St. Suite 300 Columbus, OH 43201-2190. Ask them what they would do in your position. The sooner you realize this, the better you’ll be able to focus and stay on track. Find many great new & used options and get the best deals for Difficult Conversations How to Discuss What Matters Most - 4 Cassettes Audio Bk at the best online … But if there’s a chance it will improve your life this conversation and most others are worth the risk. So how do we handle these tough conversations when they come our way? Based on 15 years of work at Harvard Negotiation Project and consultations with thousands of people, the authors answer the question: When people confront the conversations they dread the most, what works? Follow this topic. It can be hard to know what one is feeling. The authors explore, Our inability to constructively handle intractable conflict is the most serious, and the most neglected, problem facing humanity. “difficult conversations are almost never about getting the facts right. How To Discuss What Matters Most The Difficult Conversation The authors say that underlying difficult conversations are three deeper conversation, which are: What happened : usually involving the facts, what should happen and where the blame lies Feelings : the feelings and emotions involved, that most people try to cut out Page 11/22 – Not about getting the facts right. Typically, when the conversation does occur the parties think and feel a lot more than they actually say. According to the authors, difficult conversations take place at a rational, emotional and identity level. 2. Title: Difficult Conversations: How To Discuss What Matters Most Format: Paperback Product dimensions: 352 pages, 7.7 X 5.15 X 0.65 in Shipping dimensions: 352 pages, 7.7 X 5.15 X 0.65 in Published: 2 novembre 2010 Publisher: Penguin Publishing Group Language: English